Quotes by Woody Allen
My brain is like the Bermuda Triangle. Information goes in, but never comes out.
I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
The key to a good relationship is remembering. Remembering where you hid the remote.
I don't believe in an afterlife, though I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don't believe in an afterlife, but I am bringing a change of underwear, just in case.
I'm not sure what's worse: knowing you're a failure, or suspecting everyone else knows it too.
Love is a fleeting illusion, best experienced between expensive therapy sessions.
The key to happiness is low expectations. And a good therapist.
Regret is a luxury I can't afford. Mostly because I'm too busy creating new regrets.
Marriage is like a public restroom: those waiting outside are desperate to get in, and those inside are desperate to get out.
Trying to understand women is like trying to understand quantum physics while riding a unicycle... uphill.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with the absurd. I told her, 'Only on Tuesdays.'
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I’m not sure what’s worse: existential dread or the traffic on the Long Island Expressway.
Regret is just reality television playing on repeat in your mind.
I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I once wrote a strongly worded email to a self-folding laundry machine.
The universe is indifferent, but dry cleaning is exorbitant. That's the real tragedy.
The best way to predict the future is to avoid thinking about it altogether. Focus on the present neurosis.
Life is a restaurant; some get the tasting menu, I seem stuck with the breadsticks and water.
I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Especially if it interferes with my nap.
The key to happiness? Lower your expectations, then lower them again.
The universe is indifferent, which at least simplifies matters when choosing a restaurant.
The meaning of life? Find something to obsess about that's less depressing than your own mortality.
I'm not afraid of dying; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Life is a series of disappointments punctuated by the occasional decent bagel.
Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. I’m still figuring out which is more expensive.
The key to a lasting relationship? Lower your expectations and have a good lawyer.
Sometimes, the only way to cope with reality is to pretend you're in a movie – a really badly written one.
The universe is indifferent, which is either liberating or terrifying, depending on the hour and the state of my caffeine levels.
The universe is expanding, and so is my neurosis. I'm not sure which is more terrifying.
I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm bringing a change of underwear just in case.