Quotes by Groucho Marx

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.

Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

What have future generations ever done for us?

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.